Know When to Stay And When to Run!

Know When to Stay And When to Run!

If you hang out with chickens you’re going to cluck.
If you hang out with eagles you’re going to fly.

– Steve Maraboli

Yes, there is a big difference between finding a date and finding an emotionally healthy life-partner…

And after you find him, knowing how to navigate conflict, build intimacy, and cheat-proof your bond. So, what can you do?

Start by creating a vision for your future.

  1. Clearly define what you want, and why it’s not already in your life. Focus on what you want─ without trying to control your partner’s behavior.
  2. Have standards and notice your feelings. Ask yourself, “How do I feel about me when I am with him?
  3. If you feel uneasy, inadequate, unlovable─ then carefully consider your options!

Evaluate his Attachment  Style─

Is he a dismissive-avoidant type?

  • Ask him about his early years─ “What were the holidays like at your home?” “What was your best day as a kid? “What was your worst day?”

  • The goal is to find out if he bonded with at least one primary caregiver─ to know if his caregivers were caring─ to recognize if they responded to his need for help... to his need for cuddling.  Babies understand love, comfort and safety through the act of being tenderly held and cuddled.  

  • If he didn't bond with at least one primary caregiver... if they didn't respond to his need for help... if he wasn't cuddled─ there's a good chance he'll NEVER bond with you... or trust in your love... or even care about your needs─ and he may even feel anger and disgust towards you, for having emotional needs.

Dismissive-avoidants can be charming at first…

  • But as the relationship unfolds─ he may criticize, humiliate or belittle you for little mistakes or small weaknesses or faux pas. He may deny what you just heard him say; invalidate you and your feelings. And of course, imply─ no one can compete with the one that got away!

  • These distancing tactics keep the relationship from evolving in a healthy way.
  • This can cause you to question yourself, your own perception of what is going on, and even to doubt what you deserve.

Know that you deserve a kind, emotionally responsive partner... period!  

You deserve to fly!

PS:  

Online dating is just as murky and full of lemons as finding a used car in the classifieds. Once you learn the lingo [that's what our message today was about!], it’s easier to spot the models with high mileage and no warranty. 

– Laurie Perry

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