Grab His Hand and Grow Roots Together!

How do I build a strong foundation 

so upset doesn't rattle me at the roots

or threaten to topple all we have built together?

What can I say to quickly stop his insensitive behavior?

• How do I say it─ in a way that doesn’t make him guilty (or make him defend)?
• How do I say it─ in a way that lowers resistance (and allows him to listen)?
• How do I say it─ so he wants to work with me to find solutions (to build trust)?

First, let me ask you a few questions about your relationship:

1. Have you ever thought─ “This is really a wonderful person. If only he would stop doing this one thing!”
   
   
2. Yet despite your best efforts─ does every conversation around this issue turn into a defensive battle?
   
   
3. Does it seem like he just doesn’t get it─ doesn’t want to understand the negative effect this one thing is having on your nerves, on your trust, on your love? Does he have similar feelings about your behavior?
   
   
4. Does he speak in a diminishing, dismissive tone… not all the time, but often enough to rattle resentment? (Maybe you’re often late, and can’t see how that impinges his credibility... Yet his form of expression still doesn't have to be nasty or demeaning!)

So, what can you do… more of the same that’s not working and never will work?

No! Stop, take a deep breath, and gather your thoughts. In fact, I’m asking you to grab a pen and journal…

What is it that you want to happen?

• Think about what you want to feel?
• Imagine what experience a (present or future) partner might be looking for?
• Remind yourself of a time when you did have, what now seems lost.

➤ DEFINE your vision in a way that:

• Doesn’t make him wrong.
• Doesn’t tell him what to do.
• Doesn’t talk about what he did, or ask why he did it.

➤ EXPRESS your vision. Say what feels good to you. Include him in that feel-good vision.

Maintain this ESSENTIAL Mindset:

• Speak not only in terms of "You" and "Me", but of the larger "We".
  
  
• "We" is your secure connection, your tender bond, the result of emotional responsiveness. Protecting the "We" is the most important thing for "You" and "Me".
  
  
• View the Problem as an outsider trying to cause trouble. There's "You", "Him"... And the "Problem" which is the real enemy! This stops the blaming... stops the destruction of making each other wrong!

➤ ACKNOWLEDGE his frustration when upset rears it's ugly head.

Yes, acknowledge what he's feeling (even the crazy shit he says)... so he feels heard. 

"I can see that your really frustrated about this. 

How can I help... How can we resolve this?"

Acknowledgment doesn’t mean you agree with him... It doesn't make his nasty reaction OK! 

Acknowledgment lowers his resistance and allows introspection... It replaces fear with an improved perspective... that just might inspire a shift in his behavior!

There’s nothing for him to defend against,

since you're not making him wrong─

And since you're offering to help, you're not the enemy!

➤ APOLOGIZE if appropriate. 

➤ APPRECIATE in ADVANCE... (Your SECRET POWER at work!)

Speak your sincere appreciation for a shift in his behavior, in advance... before the improved behavior has actually occurred. Use gratitude to design this new scenario.

"I'm sorry I didn't time it well, so we could leave when we planned.

 I really appreciate it when you show patience for my running late!

I love feeling that we can allow for each other's humanness."

What just happened with this very brief statement?

(9 Things to Notice!)

1. You apologized and normalized his frustration. You didn't attack or make him wrong! (he feels understood). 
   
   
2. You clearly, confidently, concisely, (and yes, softly, politely) expressed your authentic feelings- with no drama, no long-winded, guilt-ridden explanations or justification for why you feel hurt. (men stop listening)
   
   
3. You gave him appreciation... albeit in advance! (which men crave like oxygen).
   
   
4. You let him know what you want─ without telling him what to do (would make him crazy defensive).
   
   
5. He can now (without losing face) make a shift and be your hero (the male hero-instinct is in his DNA!) He can be responsive because he knows specifically what you want (patience when you're running late... kindness and acceptance of your humanness... his participation to find a solution). 
   
   
6. He also knows specifically how to get a shot of appreciation... so he's inspired to change his behavior (and mood... and attitude). 
   
   
7. And you've made it possible for him to make this change AND not lose face! This builds trust in both of you… and strengthens the “We”.
   
   
8. Self-regulation on his part- allows him to experience how good it feels (and how safe it is) to stop his rude, insensitive behavior... to be emotionally responsive to your needs instead!
   
   
9. You get to experience that giving him grace did not put you in a weak position. On the contrary, you took the bull by the horns and led the way back to love!! That's claiming your power!
   
   Now the "You and Me" are ready to find ways to support each other─ in order to resolve the "Problem". This will strengthen the "We"... and keep your bond secure!

Now you've seen first hand

how conflict can actually bring you closer...

when you ALLOW conflict to fulfill that purpose!

Even if he was grouchy a minute ago─ 

... he’ll most likely shift and step into this new picture of himself (which you just painted)… and thus validate the wonderful “We” you’re forging together.

By all means, don't hold a grudge... Smile and join in the joy!

➤ INSPIRE (rather than demand) love and loving behavior─

• Because making demands never works.
  
  
• Because making him wrong or telling him what to do, creates ugly defensiveness.
  
  
• Because ultimatums WILL backfire!

Instead of ultimatums, gently grab his hand 

and grow roots together!

Allow the "You and Me"─ to defeat the "Problem" (the real enemy)... to protect the "We" (your secure emotional connection)... to build trust and deepen your love!

You have just created a seismic shift in perception!

1. He's free─ to reevaluate his own thinking... to change his own behavior.
    
   
2. You're now free─ to see your connection as a secure bond, unaffected by a temporary flood of negative emotion... a connection sustained by you cutting him some slack and accepting the humanness of his frustration... AND this act of grace did not put you in a position of weakness!
   
   
3. Both of you have used this "bad" experience as an opportunity to grow trust─ to expand closeness, to build a better version of yourselves. Love has replaced fear and upset in your relationship!
   

You allowed light to shine into the darkness

... and the darkness simply disappeared!