There really no such thing as a perfect relationship,
It’s how you deal with the imperfections
that makes it perfect!

There is nothing more painful and confusing than having the flow of love between you and your man, quite literally evaporate… and nothing more overwhelming than having to start from scratch all over again!

Sarah was in the weeds once more, with her new man. She wondered if she should just leave and not waste her precious time… or if there was hope for happiness here.

Sarah wanted things to be better! She told her man, “Don’t you dare talk to me like that… I won’t tolerate it!”

Problem is: If your man thinks (from your energy and words) that you feel he's a jerk─ he will see that as an attack, and he’ll attack back.

Then you’ll have a battle on your hands… a battle you don’t want & can’t win!

So, what do you do? Are you supposed to just stuff it?!!

What happened to the idea of being authentic?

You might also be thinking, “By the way… I am authentically angry and resentful, insulted and bitter! And I don’t want this to continue!"

Of course you don’t want it to continue! So, let’s examine this encounter a little further.

A friend of mine owns a horse farm in Ocala, FL. Her daughter got a new horse from Europe, but no one can ride it… It just bucks everyone off. “That’s probably why they sold it”, I said.

“Oh no!” my friend said. “He’s a fine horse. When my daughter got the horse, she boarded it, and the caretakers there let him get away with behaving badly. 

"You can’t let a horse get away with anything 
or it will continue, and the horse
will develop bad habits!”

And I assure you it’s the same with your partner. You can’t ignore bad behavior, or it will develop into bad habits and the bad behavior will continue.

But your partner is not a racehorse.

It’s not about controlling his behavior.

It’s about controlling your own reaction.

(Yes, I know, he’s the one who’s wrong; he is behaving badly! But do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Just hang in there with me for a moment!)

The trick is to stay focused on expressing your own feelings─ not trying to change him.

Simply say, “That hurt me, and that’s not OK.”

Clearly, confidently, concisely, (and yes, softly, politely) express your authentic feelings─  with no drama, no long-winded, guilt-ridden justification for why you feel hurt. 

Blame would cause him to shut down and stop listening; to miss the point your trying to make... Remember, you want to be heard.

• No need to allow your strings to be pulled like a lifeless, spiritless,
  dangling marionette.
  
  
• No need to allow your responses to be controlled by his bad behavior! 

Hurting you is non-negotiable. Period.

Truth is, he can say anything he needs to say─ in a kind, gentle manner, no matter who is wrong.

And yet, know that criticizing, lecturing, making him wrong─ would be like throwing gasoline on the fire… sure to blow-up in your face and cause you pain!

Remember, he can feel your intention. He can feel the energy of your thoughts.

• Are you thinking he's a nasty jerk─ insulting, disrespecting, invalidating you?
  
  
• Or are you simply intending to teach him how you want him to behave with you? That’s your responsibility, you know.

You feel insulted, because you think
he should know this behavior is unacceptable!

But the truth is he doesn’t know─ how deeply this rudeness, this unkind action, these insensitive words have gotten under your skin!

Everyone simply lives from their own perspective─ seeing their own behavior in context with their own interests and intentions. 

They are not necessarily crazy, mean or psychotic… they just need more information.

So calmly, vulnerably state what you authentically feel, “That hurt me… That’s not OK.”

• Then walk away and allow him to process this confident you.
  He may get defensive… Just walk away. Let him grumble if he needs to.
  
  
• He may say, “So you’re just going to walk away?”
  Respond with, “Yes, I need to cool off.”
  
  
• You are not telling him what to do… not telling him he’s wrong.
  You’re taking responsibility for your own feelings.

And when you return to the room after 10 minutes or so… you just might find he's suddenly become a much nicer man.

You may see that he's corrected his own behavior… 
So don’t cross your arms and stay mad! Don’t hold a grudge!

After all, you just got what you wanted, didn't you?

Recent research has indicated
that the average individual listens for only 17 seconds
before interrupting and interjecting his own ideas.

-Gary Chapman

You want to turn the tide of a conversation which is stirring up a tsunami of trouble.

Disaster is not a reality you want to support… not something you want to experience as your experience of love.

You feel overwhelmed, drowning in anger and frustration; desperate for a way out and into a better conversation.

• Gratitude
• Kindness
• Curiosity
  

Now you might be thinking, “Really, I’m the offended one─ and I’m supposed to be magnanimous! Tell me why?"

Let's look below the surface at these 3 aspects of the language of love:

1) GRATITUDE- Why should you look at this person you’re in conflict with, and WORDLESSLY, in your mind, find something to be grateful for?

• Because this immediately elevates your levels of oxytocin and dopamine.

These neurochemicals raise your expectation of happiness and joy, increase your feeling of confidence and positive anticipation.

Remember─ you get what you feel is true for you... you recieve outcomes that match what you expect.

Positive expectation raises your personal vibration, and makes you a vibrational match for a higher level of experience!

Everything in life is vibration.

-Albert Einstein

• You gave this offering to yourself by silently offering gratitude to another. 

• Gratitude changes your dominant thinking─ shifts your perception of people and situations, elevates your outcomes and results.

And did you know, that gratitude─

➤ Shields you from negativity

➤ Makes you 25% happier 

➤ Rewires your brain

➤ Reduces stress 

➤ Strengthens physical and mental health

➤ Improves sleep, mood and immunity

➤ Decreases depression, anxiety, chronic pain, disease

➤ Boosts self-esteem and performance

➤ Enhances what you attract, what you’re attracted to

➤ Uplifts relationships

2) KINDNESS─ Why should you give up angry words for patience, for unwarranted emotional generosity? 

• Because as you gently let go of the ego─ you move from the personal to the impersonal love that underlies and supports all creation... bringing forth insight and understanding.
  
  
• Unwarranted kindness is felt. It allows the possibility of love to return to your relationship.

I’ve witnessed a simple smile
melt the hardest heart!

-Goldie Hawn

3) CURIOSITY- Why should you sincerely seek first to understand, then to be understood? 

Carla's Story─

Carla was ready to throw in the towel and leave. They had been going round and round with similar fights for months, when she decided to give my suggestion a try...

• Carla desperately wanted out of this downward spiral! She decided to suspend judgment (for a bit!)... to suspend her deep aggravation and seek to understand instead of blame!
  
  
• Carla felt the fear and did it anyway! She asked questions (instead of making demands and giving ultimatums)... Acceptance of his humanness allowed sincere active listening, which lowered resistance in her partner─ Suddenly the bitterness subsided. As he felt understood, his need to defend and throw spears disappeared.
  
  
• As he realized she wasn't the enemy, he could see (on his own) that his nastiness was inappropriate. He miraculously corrected his own bad behavior! Without her judgment he could relax, and be open to understand her viewpoint.
  
  
• Now they could begin an authentic (untriggered) conversation─ to resolve the real issues… which ultimately drew them closer─ instead of blowing their connection apart!

There are some people who could hear you speak
1,000 words, and still not understand you…

And there are others who will understand you 
without you even speaking a word.

-Unknown

TAKE THE LEAD, be the powerful person who understands, the person who chooses 1- Gratitude, 2- Kindness, 3- Curiosity... WATCH your love life transform!

• These actions are the first three steps─ leading the way to the expression of your true power. 

Remember: Conflict is inevitable.
Suffering is a choice.

• Goodwill tears down walls (even walls built up over many years)... and allows you to stop the emotional pain and re-connect quickly with your partner.
  
  
• The key is a sincere desire for emotional connection which overrides the desire to be right at all costs. This intention disolves distress and leads to understanding... which leads to trust... which leads you back to love!

This Miraculous Shift can happen in an instant─
just as rain instantly evaporates on a hot stone.

If you can’t take me at my worst…
then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best!

-Marilyn Monroe

We all have good and bad days, and for sure, we want to be loved on both!

We all recognize that we have a wide range of emotions. Some we're proud of… some not so much, but unconditional love is still what we hunger for.

Yet how do we give unconditional love─

without feeling compromised, without feeling a sense of personal loss?

➤ Understand that there are only two emotions… love, and the absence of love, which is fear.

Fear has many forms: anger, insult, resentment, jealousy, unkindness, bitterness, harsh reprimanding tones, impatient words, nasty looks, dismissive remarks.

➤ Know that love does not attack these fear-filled emotions. That would cause more resistance... and even more trouble!  (Just hang in there with me...)

Love does not attack anger, insult, resentment, jealousy, unkindness, bitterness, harsh reprimanding tones, impatient words, nasty looks, dismissive remarks.

The presence of love simply causes these feelings to disappear, just as light makes darkness impossible. The power of love brings fear to its knees.

Norman Vincent Peale recalls a poignant example of this. "I was stopped at a red light in a taxi in New York City. A man jumped into the taxi and held a knife to my throat. I said to the man, 'I love you.' The man dropped the knife melted into tears."
  

➤ Recognize that the attraction of love to love is irresistible. 

Love entices more love, like a flame draws in the moth. Love wants to unite all things with itself.

➤ Realize, if you make your partner the enemy, 
then an enemy will respond- and a battle will be your result… a battle no one can win.

But how can you be the presence of love in your relationship… in the middle of a heated upset?

• How can you speak in support of yourself, not making your partner the enemy?
• How can you protect your dignity, self-respect, and authenticity?
• How can you inspire rather than require good behavior?

Find these answers in Part 2, “Quick Fix to Prevent an Angry Argument”.

This next post offers an easy (palatable and effective) way to give love when love is needed most… AND maintain your dignity!

It shows you a simple way to transform trouble, and bring miracles into your relationship. Don't miss the powerful conclusion of Part 2.

Appreciation inspires him to get a grip on his emotions.
This stirs him to slay his own dragon within.

-Gladys Marie Clancy

Let me start off by saying, I love my husband! He is wonderful!

Yet the other day, as he was helping me with a computer glitch (a problem I could not fix alone), my wonderful husband became angry and impatient. As he spoke, an uncomfortable chill numbed my body.

I Had a Choice to Make─

Did I want to criticize and complain… and in effect, throw gasoline on the fire! Or was the relationship more important than the grievance?

I took a deep breath, counted to 10, then…

1. I chose to sincerely appreciate what he was doing for me. (NOTE: a man needs appreciation like he needs oxygen.)
   
   
2.  I chose to understand his reason for frustration- (a time crunch, and the stress of giving up other things he needed to be doing… which was causing the irritation and aggressive attitude)
   
3.  I chose to say,
   

I know you have so much to do today…
and I want you to know,
I really appreciate your helping me with this.

And guess what… his impatient, pushy tone of voice melted away into nothingness!

I mean it literally disappeared without confrontation! And he was ready to work for as long as it took, to do whatever needed to be done!

This was not manipulation─

It was simply giving love,
where love was needed most.

And this choice I made─

... inspired him to slay 

his own dragon within!

A great relationship doesn’t happen
because of all the love you had in the beginning…
but how well you continue building love until the end.

-Unknown

Rome wasn’t built in a day!

If you seriously think you MUST build it in a day then realize the compromise you’re intending:

You’re choosing not to build Rome…
You’re choosing to compromise the profound complexity and beauty which Rome would entail.

Here is today’s Secret Strategy-

Personal relationships aren’t built in a day either. They require time… They require:

• CONTEMPLATION- How do I feel about myself being with him?
  
• CONSISTENCY- Time and again, show up ─
  

Confident (I deserve love)…
Curious (What’s his perspective on this?)… 
Kind (I speak in support of myself and let him save face!)

• COMMITMENT- Loyalty and trust are non-negotiable.

If you want it all to happen in just one day, go for it; but know you are not building epic, enduring Rome, founded April 21, 753 BC. 

And yes, Rome has seen a lot of ups and downs over the centuries…
but it’s still standing ─ a thriving symbol of passion and beauty!

If you hang out with chickens you’re going to cluck.
If you hang out with eagles you’re going to fly.

– Steve Maraboli

Yes, there is a big difference between finding a date and finding an emotionally healthy life-partner…

And after you find him, knowing how to navigate conflict, build intimacy, and cheat-proof your bond. So, what can you do?

Start by creating a vision for your future.

Evaluate his Attachment  Style─

Is he a dismissive-avoidant type?

Dismissive-avoidants can be charming at first…

Know that you deserve a kind, emotionally responsive partner... period!  

You deserve to fly!

PS:  

Online dating is just as murky and full of lemons as finding a used car in the classifieds. Once you learn the lingo [that's what our message today was about!], it’s easier to spot the models with high mileage and no warranty. 

– Laurie Perry

Happiness is talking to yourself
and laughing at how weird you are!

-Unknown

There is much good to be said about the impact of emotional train wreck songs!

Maybe you are not ready to feel the flow of love moving through you─ not just yet. Maybe the heartbreak is still too fresh… the disappointment still too raw.

Well, the first step in healing, is to admit how you authentically feel right now in the thick of it all… in the middle of this relationship misery!

Years ago, while I was going through a very painful divorce, my wise and wonderful, then 13-year old niece, gave me a weird little song to cheer me up.

It certainly got to the core of my anger and confusion… and allowed me to laugh at a time when there was very little to laugh about.

Neuroscience has shown that through laughter─ happy hormones, like endorphins, are increased and released… the stress hormone cortisol is reduced.

The result: you feel happier, less stressed─ you make better decisions, are less impulsive, more at peace.

Imagine that… acknowledging upset actually helps it go away! Wallowing (for a brief time) in the pain actually helps it to heal!

The secret is to love yourself─ all of you… the good, bad, and the ugly… the sane as well as the crazy parts of yourself.

This stops the need to justify, cover up, or pretend. You can look at your relationship with honesty.

If you decide that what you're feeling doesn’t serve you─ 

You can choose again:

• Choose a different perception of the situation
• Choose a different response
• Choose a different partner, if need be!

But you have choices. You are not a powerless victim.

So go ahead, enjoy this wicked-crazy, irreverent, little song.

Sing out loud, shout, wave your fists in the air, stomp your foot down!

It’s OK to feel stuck… and even better to move past it, to let it all go and move on without bitterness.

Allow this "weird" sick little gem to make you laugh!

If that song is too over-the-top for you, I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor or RESPECT by Aretha Franklin, are also good, cathartic choices!

Those who danced were thought to be
quite insane by those who
couldn’t hear the music.

-Angela Monet

Yes, dance… Let your heart hear the music… Throw your arms up and sing again!

When I say I love you more─

I don’t mean I love you more than you love me. I mean...

I love you the most.

-Author Unknown

You can never make peace in the outer world
unless you make peace with yourself.

-The Dalai Lama

Love is the source of good that exists in all things.

And yet sometimes you just can’t seem to access that love. 

You can’t feel it, can’t give it, and you just can’t try anymore. Divorce becomes the obvious next step. Getting a divorce ranks right up there with the top life changes that rattle you at the roots.

Creating a vision for your future helps you find peace─

It can remove the fear that so often accompanies stepping into the unknown.

You now know! You know in your heart, see it across the screen of your mind, feel it in your soul─ that you are going to be OK. You envision it!

The only thing worse than being blind,
is having sight without vision.

-Helen Keller

When you know what your new life looks like, you can see divorce as part of the path to get there.

When divorce is no longer a blame-game ─ peace becomes possible again.

Clarity of vision calms you at the core─ Vision reduces resistance to make agreements because you know where you want go, and what you need to get there.

But looking at your life─ is like a fish trying to look at the water it’s swimming in, encircled by, immersed in.

It’s hard to detach, to step back and see things from an objective viewpoint.

The difference between transformation by accident and transformation by a system, is like the difference between lightning and a lamp. Both give illumination, but one is dangerous and unreliable, while the other is safe, directed, available.

-Marilyn Ferguson

So, here is a simple 3-Step "Reliable System" you can use to get you started. It will help you:

This is how you use it:

1. Find a quiet spot where you can relax the body and still the mind.

Now you have a list of what you REALLY NEED to live a life you love!

Let me explain:

• Maybe you would travel to Africa if there were no limits… Why? Because that would satisfy a need for adventure.
  
  
• Maybe you would write the next great novel or paint the next masterpiece. Why? Because that would satisfy a need to be creative.
  
  
• Maybe you would build huge wealth which would allow you to support an important cause or charity? Why? Because that would satisfy a need to make a difference in the world, to help others.

As you explore your own inner landscape, you arrive at a place that feels exciting, energizing, enlivening.

Your deepest longings bubble to the surface… like the need to be adventurous, to be creative, to be fulfilled.

Armed with these new intentions, you can more accurately discern forks in the road… more precisely choose the direction your life will take.

Maybe you’ll go to Africa, or paint a masterpiece or build a billion-dollar business… Maybe not. But most likely, moving towards adventure, creativity and helping others will now be non-negotiable, as you start living life on your own terms.

If you are feeling depressed, you are living in the past.
If you are feeling anxious, you are living in the future.
If you are feeling peace, you are living in the present.

-Lao Tzu

What is it that’s invisibly controlling your thoughts?

What’s pushing you into action─ at work, or maybe causing upset in your personal relationships?

Psychologists might suggest influences like your childhood experience, your associations, societal pressures… impacts like peer pressure or work pressure or cultural pressure.

Yes, that’s true─ but that also makes you a victim of forces outside yourself.

I want to offer an additional influence─ mindfulness.

The only thing that is ultimately real
about your journey─ is the step you’re taking
at this moment. That’s all there ever is.

Now that may sound like hocus-pocus, woo-woo, but let’s take closer look.

➔ Mindfulness training is now making its way into major companies─ 

At Google and Aetna Insurance, employees learn yoga, meditation, and even the benefit of 2-3-minutes of silence... to get into a mindful state.

As humans, we were designed to alternately exercise and relax the mind─

➔ Mindfulness helps us relax and reduce stress... 

➔ Mindfulness helps improve physical, mental, and emotional health.  

The effect can dramatically impact─ productivity, creativity, focus, mood, energy, performance, feeling of happiness, and even decision making.

And on top of that, the American Academy of Family Physicians said─ that 2/3 of office visits are stress related, including heart disease, diabetes, obesity.

Yes, mindfulness, formerly thought of as a New Age spiritual practice─ is also a way to enhance your physical, mental and emotional health.

➔ Mindfulness is an antidote to burnout at work and in your relationship.

Getting still can awaken you to your own inner wisdom─ which is:

• Always on your side
• Always filled with imagination and vitality
• Always offers a better way of seeing things!

Life becomes a creative journey─ Possibility is fueled by imagination.